There are worrying signs this morning that no one is paying the blindest bit of attention any more to Professor Tony Adams. The respected scholar recently warned against trying to lure Wayne Rooney to the big city for fear that all the cars, buildings and computation machines, or "computers" as they're being called, could overwhelm the Mowgli-like 27-year-old , who has spent all of his life up to now roaming free in the unspoilt savannahs of remotest Liverpool and Manchester. Despite these forebodings, clubs from across Europe are plotting to wrench Crocodile Rooney from his primitive existence in the English outback and plunge him straight into a concrete jungle, where he will have to fend for himself with nothing but a sharpened stick and a salary of over £250,000-per-week.
London seems the most likely destination, with both Arsenal and Chelsea said to be eager to civilise the naive savage. Indeed, Jack Wilshere has gone so far as to say that his club "must" sign the stone-age striker, at least that is the The Sun's translation of the midfielder's statement that "if it happens, it would be amazing". The Daily Telegraph, however, informs us that Rooney would prefer a move to Chelsea because of his simple worshipping of José Mourinho, which might leave Arsenal having to make do with Fernando Torres, although Talksport tells us that Chelsea are trying to flog Torres to Milan in part-exchange for the 20-year-old cockatoo, Stephan El Shaarawy. The Daily Express reckons the striker that Chelsea really want is Edinson Cavani , for whom they are poised to offer Napoli £40m plus Ramires. Or, perhaps, £54m plus Torres.
Nicklas Bendter could finally be a thing of Arsenal's past this week, as he looks set to join Eintracht Frankfurt.
The Ashley Williams-to-Liverpool rumours could finally be a thing of the Mill's past this week as the club looks set to finally get the deal done for the Swansea captain, having momentarily contemplated going for PSG's Mamadou Sakho instead. Jonjo Shelvey won't be around to welcome the newcomer, as he's being shunted off to Crystal Palace, where he'll be able to say hello to Grant Holt instead.
Henrikh Mkhitaryan will not be following Williams to Anfield because he can do much better, at least that's the verdict of Shakhtar Donestsk manager Mircea Lucescu, who professed to being baffled as to why a top player would want to go to Liverpool "I can understand the urge to leave if he has a chance to go to a club that surpasses Shakhtar, like Barcelona or Real Madrid, but not many clubs are beyond our level — not clubs like Liverpool or Tottenham," stormed Lucescu, who has apparently not considered that Mkhitarayan may want to go to Liverpool for the lifestyle; after all, there's a lot to be said for growing up in the great outdoors, surrounded by nothing but enchanting flora and neighbourly antelopes.
David Moyes still wants to offer Thiago Alcântara a similar experience in Manchester, and will treble the wages that the midfielder earns at Barcelona to make it happen.
Newcastle director of football, Joe Kinnear, wants to make Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang his first signing, which possibly means he'll wind up making enquiries with the striker's French club, Sampdoria, about Barack Obama.
Andre Villas-Boas is to lead an expedition to the Himalayas in search of the Abominable Snowman, which he fully expects to find some time before Tottenham Hotspur manage to nab him a proper striker. Still, someone at White Hart Lane is trying to convince the Portuguese that the club really has made a substantial offer for Valencia's Roberto Soldado .
Mark Hughes will signal his determination to move Stoke on from the Tony Pulis era by signing … another centre-back. But not a rugged, no-nonsense one, rather a diffident, quite a lot of nonsense one: Michael Mancienne .
After last season's fiasco with Peter Odemiwingie, Steve Clarke wants to sign a totally dependable striker who's not going to throw any strops. Naturally, then, he has set his sights on Nicolas Anelka . The Frenchman, who has just been released by Juventus, can be expected to get goals, so to have a well-balanced attack WBA will also make a move for a striker who probably won't get many: Wigan's Franco Di Santo .
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