Check out the voting pattern of coaches, captains and journalists for the 2013 FIFA Ballon d’Or. 

Diego Lugano – captain: Uruguay

1st: Luis Suarez 2nd: Edinson Cavani 3rd: Radamel Falcao

The West Brom man is not the only one who did it by any stretch but he’s the first one I saw. Isn’t it a little obvious, not to mention pointless, voting for two of your international teammates when they’ve both got no hope of winning?

Anthony Hudson – coach: Bahrain

1st: Bastian Schweinsteiger 2nd: Andrea Pirlo 3rd: Mesut Ozil

If you know Anthony Hudson as well as I do, you’ll know he’s something a rebel, who doesn’t play by the rules. It’s no surprise to me, therefore, that the Bahrain coach was one of the few individuals who did not include any of the top three on his podium. Admirable or edgy? Maybe he just likes midfield playmakers…

Lionel Messi – captain: Argentina

1st: Andres Iniesta 2nd: Xavi 3rd: Neymar

“I want to congratulate Cristiano because he was the winner and deserved it,” said a not-at-all bitter Messi, who added that he was injured for much of 2013.

If Ronaldo deserved to win, why didn’t you vote for him you scheming little so-and-so?

Cristiano Ronaldo – captain: Portugal

1st: Radamel Falcao 2nd: Gareth Bale 3rd: Mesut Ozil

If Messi’s mentioned, then the winner himself mustn’t go without criticism for opting for his buddies. Frankly, if Messi and Ronaldo don’t recognise each other as among the best two players in world football, they don’t deserve to captain their great nations.

Hugo Lloris – captain: France

1st: Franck Ribery 2nd: Manuel Neuer 3rd: Gareth Bale

Hugo Lloris comes across as a machiavellian schemer, plotting the downfall of neo-liberalism from between the sticks at White Hart Lane, and he confirmed it with some very “political” votes. First place when to his France teammate Ribery, second to Neuer (Goalkeeper Power!) and third to former teammate Gareth Bale. Did I ‘political’? I meant ‘dull’.

Farad Al Zarraa – coach: Qatar

1st: Cristiano Ronaldo 2nd: Lionel Messi 3rd: Radamel Falcao

Perfectly reasonable voting from the Qatari, wouldn’t you agree?

Until he said this: “I was told by my president to vote for Ronaldo to help Blatter clean up his image as a toke of appreciation for bringing the World Cup here”… Ah, that’s called vote-rigging. And it’s not cool. Best not mention it in public.

Incidentally, Qatar’s captain and media representative also voted for Ronaldo. Corruption…what corruption?

Degu Debebe Gebreyes – captain: Ethiopia

1st: Xavi 2nd: Andrea Pirlo 3rd: Thomas Mueller

Gebreyes’ decision to avoid watching all football – even matches he plays in – since the end of Euro 2012 has made him look rather silly, with veterans Xavi and Pirlo joined on his foolish podium by Mueller, who, while excellent, was outshone by about 10 of his Bayern Munich teammates in 2013. Still, a good try Degu! Best to starting watching footie again in 2014!